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Then & Now

The idea for this post came from Prairie Chick (one of my new favorite bloggers). You can see her post here. I decided to go through the list (I am, I want, I have, I wish, etc.) twice, comparing my life before I began walking with Christ to the life I live now. I have a tendency to be critical of my walk with the Lord when I see little growth from day to day, but this exercise helped me see that he has indeed wrought much change in my heart and life since the time I chose to submit my life to his hand.

Note: I didn’t make the lists side by side, so they aren’t necessarily correlative.

Me, Six Years Ago

I am thin but unhealthy
I want a grand important life as a wife with books and writing and expression of self
I have no idea how destructive my current path is
I wish I had never enrolled in the University
I know next to nothing about the real meaning of love
I hate mediocrity
I fear being alone, failure, appearing foolish in front of others
I hear a still small voice whispering that this is not the purpose for which I was created
I crave direction
I search for happiness in bookstore shelves and romantic comedies
I always order the same thing
I usually wake up at 10 on the weekends
I miss the simplicity of my childhood, where it was always summer
I love my self
I never realize how much I hurt inside
I rarely apologize
I cry passionately when I feel wronged
I lose any childhood desire to follow after the Lord
I should have taken advantage of my freedom as a single person and pursued God with my whole heart
I worry about nothing; I think everything will work out happily ever after
I dream of being famous
I was lost.

Me: Today

I am a priestess, the recipient of God’s grace and endless streams of mercy
I want to pray more
I have this incredible, living, growing marriage with a man of God
I wish I could visit dear friends in Texas, in Montana, in New York
I know what is real
I hate the parts of me that believe the temporal will satisfy
I fear the great God
I hear a still small voice whispering to me to remain steadfast
I crave silence and stillness
I search the Word for wisdom
I always kiss my son and tell him I love him when I buckle him in the car seat
I usually remember who I am, why I am here, and where I am going after this
I miss feeling “in love” with my husband
I love my God, my husband, my son, my home
I never thought I would be content in a place where I can see the home I grew up in from my kitchen sink
I rarely miss my old life
I cry infrequently, quietly, alone; after Chad has gone to sleep…mostly things simply need to be acknowledged and resolved in my heart, and I am better
I lose sight of the eternal at times and become deceived by the monotony of stay at home motherhood, tricked into thinking that because it is small and uninteresting, it is unimportant
I should go to bed earlier
I worry about what life must be like (and will be like) for those who do not follow the Lord
I dream of being whole, complete, living in glory with Christ
I was blind, but now I see

Someone Else’s Life

Sometimes when I get to wishing for someone else’s more interesting or glamorous life, it strikes me what a silly thing this is.  I had no choice about where or when I was born: God placed me where and when he did.  Remaining content where I am, serving God here, makes the most sense.  What else can I do?

I listen to the world’s lies too much:  I think I can be anyone I want to be, do anything I want to do, and then I will be fulfilled. The thing about the lies of the world is that they have a little bit of truth in them, to help you swallow them.  And while I could probably be most anything I wanted to be, and do what I wanted, I will never be fulfilled with the joy that only God can bring until I am doing whatever small thing he has for me here.  There is nothing else.

And this is what I’m finding out.  And this is what I am accepting, bits and pieces at a time.

Day After Thanksgiving

Please forgive the crumbs and dirt all over the kitchen floor.  I’d rather post.  And you, since you are somewhere else and don’t have to deal with my floor, shouldn’t mind anyway.

It is the day after Thanks-Giving day.  I’m glad it’s over so I can polish off the two dozen snickerdoodles that didn’t get eaten at Chad’s family’s house yesterday.

Anyway, get to the point, Shirley (as my grandma likes to tell herself), I am just glad to be alive today.  Maybe it’s because Oliver and I slept until 8:25 this morning (a world record, for sure), maybe it’s because I’m hyped up on snickerdoodles, maybe it’s because there are only seven dirty dishes in the sink, or just two loads of laundry to wash.  But I am grateful for this messy existence and the gracious God who causes the sun to rise anew upon me each morning.

Chad is working all the time: it is like we have two separate lives but share a bed and a child.  Our house is still total chaos, the wall half built (stalled at this stage for two, three weeks?), and there are three full pages of things I need to do hanging on the fridge.  But I am sitting here for a moment, in the quiet stillness of Oliver’s napping time, grateful for it all.  Because it is ours, it is here, it is what God has given us.

Mama Needs New Music

I’ll admit it: I used to like Celine Dion.  When I say “like,” I mean I had all of her CDs, belted her songs loudly in my room in high school, that kind of weirdness.  Then came a day when I realized other people didn’t think she was that cool, so I had to find some other music to like.  Enter Jewel….

But then I found out some people didn’t think she was cool either.  I liked her so much I kept a few albums when I moved on to different musicians.

For a while I listened to a lot of angry sounding music really loudly in my little car.  I drove too fast.  I’m glad that time is over.


Then I happened upon God, and marriage, and motherhood, and now I am here in this new place.  And mamas, I need some new music.  I’ve even decided that I don’t have the kind of energy to figure out if my music is cool or not.  I grant myself the freedom to like what I like.

Here is what we have that I especially enjoy.  Do you think if you looked at my list you might help me figure out some new music to listen to?

Alexi Murdoch
Andrea Bocelli
Andrew Peterson
Aretha Franklin
Bebo Norman
Brandi Carlile
Caedmon’s Call
Chris Rice
Elizabeth Mitchell
Fernando Ortega
Harry Connick, Jr.
Iron & Wine
James Taylor
Josh Groban
Natalie Merchant
Norah Jones
Peter Mulvey
Randall Goodgame
Sarah Brightman
Shane & Shane
Sufjan Stevens
Tracy Chapman
Soundtracks:
Chocolat
Cold Mountain
Curious George (Jack Johnson)
Garden State
Juno (Not all the songs; just the non raunchy ones.)
The Chorus
The Mission
Once
You’ve Got Mail

Also, Chad gets to choose the new Christmas album this year.  Any suggestions for him?  We don’t have very many, but I’d say we have a pretty good start with Jewel’s and Celine’s, wouldn’t you?

Thanks for your suggestions!

Boy With the Carrot Shirt

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Ten Things About Today

  1. Our heat pump isn’t keeping up and our furnace won’t kick on, so…
  2. We’re wearing our longies!  Mine are silk from LL Bean (Thanks, Grandma O) and Oliver’s are merino wool (soft, not itchy!).  Also Smart Wools.  (Thanks to E for Oliver’s!)
  3. We made green smoothies for breakfast with a blenderful of spinach, 3 oranges, 2 apples, and 4 bananas.
  4. We made baked beans and cornbread for lunch.
  5. We watched part of Bambi again today.  Oliver laughed hysterically when Bambi couldn’t find his mother and his daddy saved him the first time.  Not sure why this was so funny.
  6. I got Gourmet magazine in the mail.  I somehow got a free subscription to it last year because I bought something from Amazon.  I will not renew my subscription, but I do enjoy reading the articles and looking at the incredible food that I will never ever make.
  7. I am trying to rearrange my living room, but am having a difficult time.  I am working with a futon, a wooden bench (with back), a coffee table, a recliner, and a side table.  I am lost.  Everything I try looks weird.  I thought of setting it up in rows, like a sanctuary.  Just for funny.
  8. I cannot get XM radio to get a signal, which is really annoying to me.  I am paying for it; why can’t I get a signal?
  9. Chad is staying at work at least until 7 tonight.  Maybe O and I shall dine out this evening.  Wouldn’t that be fancy?
  10. I am thinking about ordering the Marriage Gift Set from desiringgod.org (John Piper’s ministry).  It’s time for another book on marriage.  Other good ones: Sheet Music (ooh la la), The Five Love Languages, Now You’re Speaking My Language.

Sel Fish

PS  I know sometimes it might seem like I do not enjoy my son or feel grateful for the opportunity to be his mother.  I truly do love him, desire to raise him in the ways of the Lord, and want to teach him how to sing and dance and read and observe.

It’s just that I am a really selfish person, and having a child is about the dumbest thing a really selfish person can choose to do.  I think sometimes that God sent Oliver to save me.  Not save me save me, but to keep me going, to keep me coming to Him.  He sent me this charming smart wonderful little boy who is cute and funny, and I still have a hard time being a selfless mother.  I learned early in marriage that I have to let God love Chad through me, instead of trying to do it on my own.  I guess I still need to learn this with Oliver– let God love Oliver through me, instead of me trying to do it.  Because frankly, I am a terrible mother.  I tend to let my (very strong) emotions rule, and I am lazy.

But God is so gracious and we are still here.

And Oliver knows I want to love him, and he knows that when I fall short I apologize and ask his forgiveness and we pray about it.  He knows his mama isn’t perfect.  Maybe that will help him someday when he realizes he’s fallen short with his children.  All we can do is ask for God’s forgiveness and go on in grace.

And so I do.

And this is how we learn to love.

28 Month Mama Birthday

I have been a mama for 28 months today.

In the last 28 months…

I have had no less than seven hair styles.

I have read seventy-nine books.

I have mopped my kitchen floor two times.

I have spent three nights apart from Oliver and two nights apart from Chad.
(Rachel personal retreat:Chad&Rachel hotel:Oliver@Nana’s:Chad Men’s Retreat)

I have shot over one thousand, seven hundred photos.

I have said goodbye to two grandparents.
(Great Grandma Alman:Grandad)

I nursed Oliver for one hundred two weeks.

I have filled three journals.

I have told Oliver & Chad I love them at least eight hundred forty times.

Happy Mama Birthday to me and Happy 28 Month Birthday to Sweet Dancin’ Oliver!

Deer Season

The last two days have been the longest I can remember.  Sometimes, all I can say is, “Thank you God, that this day is over.”

It’s deer season.  Which means the beginning of two weeks with extra long hours for Chad.  He’s not hunting deer.  He’s cutting them up.  I am so grateful that my husband has a job, and grateful that this is the time of year he gets to bring home extra money.

(Big) But.

Twelve hours is a really long time to spend with an energetic, not-always-obedient, curious and headstrong toddler.

When Chad finally got home yesterday, he found a happy little boy with eye pencil kitty cat whiskers on his face and a too-empty-to-get-mad-anymore mama.  As Chad got ready to take me out to dinner, I sat quietly in the chair in Oliver’s room with tears dripping off my nose.  Oliver noticed this and brought me some toilet paper and said, “ ‘not?”  I was grateful to have raised such an observant and caring little boy.  Then he came back in the room with his coat on frontways.

One fun thing we did do yesterday while waiting for daddy to get home was play Music Video.  Music Video rules are this: you have to take your socks off (so you don’t slip), and everything has to be cleared off the kitchen table.  The kitchen table is where Music Video is played.  I set up the computer (with Photo Booth open) facing the table, and Oliver (with bandana and kitty cat whiskers) stands on the table.  We play music and he dances.  Yesterday’s video was to Michael Jackson’s “the way you make me feel” and has been well received by both G and Uh-Oh.  (Grandma and Great Grandma)

Music Video was the last in a line of desperate attempts to find things to do yesterday.

We also went outside in the 50 degree wind and rain and pushed the truck down the driveway through the puddles for 20 minutes while my umbrella blew wrong side out and my neck got wet and the freaky cat followed us.  (It has some goopy eye disease and is right this very moment scratching on the back door and meowing like a weirdo and freaking me out.  I think I’m going to have to ask my brother to take care of it this week.)

We tried to learn the Oompa Loompa dance from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  This is where the idea for Music Video came from.

We had popcorn and apples and cheese for lunch while watching Wallace and Gromit- no, Finding Nemo– No, Wallace and Gromit– no, Finding Nemo– No, Winged Migration… (I guess since Oliver doesn’t have a sibling to argue with, he argues with himself by changing his mind every five minutes.)

Today we had the car so we went to the library where Oliver played happily with the train set, but then he pooped so we left.  He was wearing a diaper, but I didn’t have the diaper bag in the library with me, plus it was getting close to lunch.

We ate lunch at Uh-oh’s house.  Oliver tricked Uh-oh into thinking he was going to take a nap in the “bed” she made in the spare room with pillows and a blanket on the floor.  I could see this wasn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t say anything.

When we got home, I thought Oliver would take a nice long nap, but instead he cried hysterically and wanted me to rock him in the chair.  So I did, and he fell asleep.  And it was so nice to rock my sleeping boy in my arms, I sat there for three hours, while various body parts went numb and I realized I had positioned him directly on top of my bladder.  Regardless, there we rocked from 2pm to 5pm, when I woke him up and told him I had to go potty.  This gave me lots of time to think in the silence.  I couldn’t do anything but hold him and rock and be quiet.  By far the best part of my day.

We made pizza for supper and watched Bambi in honor of deer season.  Oliver’s favorite part was Bambi’s daddy.

My favorite part is Oliver’s daddy.  Miss you, Chad.

PS If it seems like I’m letting Oliver watch a terrible lot of movies, YOU come over and spend all day with him while I go somewhere fun.  The end.

Kitchen

Shannon tagged me to name seven favorite things about my kitchen, and interestingly I had written this about my eight favorite kitchen tools last week but never posted it.

These are some of my most useful kitchen tools. There are other things I like using, of course. And if I don’t feel like cooking, it doesn’t matter how much I like this stuff– I don’t want to cook. But most of the time, if Oliver is behaving and I have a plan, cooking is a joy to me. (It’s the cleanup I disdain: o dishwasher, where art thou?) I love cooking with Chad most of all. We try to have an in home date night once a week where we wait until O is in bed and then we cook our own supper together.

Sorry there aren’t pictures. I could take pictures and upload them, but then you wouldn’t get to read this post until the next time I get to the library. [I will post pictures of my spaces after the house gets back in order, but we’ll all just have to wait patiently for that, won’t we?]

Wustoff Santoku Knife and Paring Knives

How I love my knives. Chad and I began our marriage with a set of Henkels from Target. They were better than the knives I bought at the grocery store when I was single, but not the best. I didn’t know how good knives could be until my mom bought us these one year for Christmas. Chad keeps them sharp and I use them every single day. A note about knives: regardless of where your knives are from, please do NOT use them on a glass cutting board. Do you know what this does to them? No wonder you have to lay on top of your knife to cut through an apple! I know glass cutting boards are prettier than plastic ones and more sanitary than wooden ones, but stop it, just stop it right now.

Food Processor
I lived for a while without one. But now I have one and I use it a lot. Not every day. If I am just chopping one thing, I will use a knife. But for a can of whole tomatoes that were cheaper than diced, a carrot, an onion, and some garlic, I will bother getting it dirty. There are a few parts to wash, but they rinse easily after first used. I’ve just discovered the chopping disk makes quick work of fat carrots, or cabbage, or anything you throw in it. I can even shred partially thawed cheese in it, but this is a horrible mess to clean up, so I don’t like to do it. But I can.

Silicone Baking Mats
I have two. I use them both most of the time. I use them for cookies. I am using them for granola right now. I use them for pizza (use scissors to cut pizza, not the roller thing). At the risk of sounding like a commercial from the fifties, they make cleanup a snap! Nothing sticks to them, ever.

LeCreuset Round Dutch Oven

It’s just a little guy– maybe 3 quartsish. It’s a yellow one– vintage– from my grandma, who said my Grandad’s mom had a whole kitchen full of Le Creuset when she died. Oh how I wish it had made its way to me! But I have this little one, and I love it to pieces. When Oliver sees it, he knows I’m either making rice or soup, and he gets very excited. It makes perfect rice. Just perfect. If you’re not familiar with enameled cast iron, I’m very sorry. It’s heavy, solid, and pretty! I have a blue saute pan, black skillet, and red kettle also. I love LeCreuset.

Small Enamel Bucket
This was a wonderful find at my Grandma Alman’s. It’s white with blue trim. I use it for taking scraps out to the compost, mostly, but sometimes for cleaning.

Toaster Oven
What can’t I use this for? It bakes, it broils, it’s a convection oven and a toaster. A 9×9 dish fits in it, as well as a pie plate. I don’t usually make anything larger than that, so I only use my big oven for pizza and cookies. I’m pretty sure it uses less electricity than the regular oven, because it sure takes a lot less time to preheat and it’s smaller. The front gets hot and heat radiates from the top, so it’s not the most insulated thing– and no touching it while it’s on. But we’ve not had any problems with burns. We don’t have a microwave, so we reheat our leftovers in here. Usually takes no more than 10 minutes, and we can heat and eat out of the pyrex dishes we use for leftovers.

Bamboo Stirrer/Scraper
I think it was called a spatula in the Pampered Chef description, but to me a spatula is something with a flexible silicone head that you clean stuff out of bowls with. This is a stirrer/scraper. And I use it a lot. Probably every day. I don’t have very many Papered Chef things in my kitchen, because I don’t like buying out of obligation, but when someone hands me a catalog and says they’re having a party, I get out of going to the party by ordering something cheap from the catalog. While we’re on the subject, I also have their can opener, which I enjoy using. It was a gift though, not a get-out-of-going-to-a-party purchase.

Jars & Lids & Canning Funnel

These are just plain old canning jars, all sizes, with two secret weapons: the plastic lid and the funnel. Simple enough, huh? But it took me a long time to discover that I could use jars for leftover soup and broth, for storing nuts in the fridge, for herbs, for chocolate chips and for green smoothie storage (though smoothies not usually stored for more than 30 minutes around here). I spilled stuff when pouring it in the jars for a long time until I thought of using the canning funnel that came with all of my aunt’s canning supplies (where I got the jars and lids). And life has never been the same.

Well, okay, it’s been mostly the same. Just not so spilly.

As far as my favorite things about the kitchen itself?

1. Pantry– I could put a home office or a child’s bedroom in here. It’s that big. And it’s full of food!
2. Green walls. As mentioned an an earlier comment, it’s Benjamin Moore Grassy Fields. It was a bold move, painting my kitchen walls this leafy color, but I’m happy with it. I like to think it makes me appear confident.
3. Good solid cabinets. Kind of medieval pewter handles, but the cabinets are solid walnut (I’m guessing on that one) and there are lots of them.
4. Stainless steel sink that shines when I clean it.
5. Beautiful island piece that Chad finished and assembled when we were first married. I had a piece of glass made to fit the top so it cleans like a charm.
6. Flat top stove that’s easy to clean and works as extra counter space.
7. Gorgeous bumpy old farm table with lots of character and a few marker marks. Grandad gave me this table when I told him I wanted a harvest table. It seats six (sort of crowded, but we’re all family) and matches my kitchen perfectly.

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